Understanding attachment style is arguably one of the best ways to understand why you behave the way you do in a relationship. But when you delve deeper into the world of attachment styles, you quickly discover that avoidant attachment styles are especially prone to getting a bad rap.
In contrast to people with an anxious attachment style, people with an avoidant attachment style withdraw from relationships when things get tenuous. They often feel overwhelmed or suffocated by emotional intimacy, and instead of relying on their feelings, they distance themselves from them. Because of this, those with an avoidant attachment style often withhold or sabotage relationships in order to avoid conflict or romantic feelings.
Since more than 25 percent of the population has an avoidant attachment style, according to the book Attachment: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love, it’s important to understand how this style emerges in romantic relationships. Whether you or someone you date has an avoidant attachment style, here’s what you need to know and how to work toward a more secure attachment style.
Experts featured in this article
Quanesha Johnson is a licensed professional counselor and mental health educator. She is also the founder of BTG Consulting and Educational Services, LLC.
What is avoidant attachment style?
Avoidant attachment style is best described as: avoidant. “People who exhibit an avoidant attachment style appear to be very independent and have difficulty establishing intimacy in a romantic relationship,” says Quanessa Johnson, a licensed therapist. Therefore, these people tend to push others away to avoid getting hurt. They are also emotionally distant from their partners.
This attachment style is the exact opposite of the anxious attachment style. People with an anxious attachment style “crave a lot of intimacy and connection” and are “easily activated by things like subtle changes in the other person’s mood or behavior,” Madeleine Lou, therapist and clinical content manager at mental health app Real Madeline Lucas, LCSW, previously told PS. Because of these differences, a relationship between an anxious person and an avoidant can bring out the worst in each other. (This is why these pairings tend to get a lot of attention – they can be very stressful and difficult to manage.)
What are the different types of avoidant attachment?
There are two terms for avoidant attachment style: dismissive avoidant and fearful avoidant. If a person is fearful-avoidant, Johnson says, they “may crave and crave connection, but they are afraid of being hurt and therefore lack trust.” If a person is dismissive-avoidant, they will avoid almost all emotional connection in a relationship because “they lack the ability to communicate, and their partner often feels intentionally excluded from this side of their relationship.”
The biggest difference between dismissive and fearful-avoidant is that people with a fearful attachment style reject romantic connections out of fear, while people with a dismissive attachment style reject romantic connections because they can’t see the need to stay connected to others benefits.
Signs You Have an Avoidant Attachment Style
While there’s no exact formula for determining whether you have an avoidant attachment style, Johnson says here are some signs that you might have one:
- You are afraid of commitment. Whether it’s the promise of marriage or a long-term relationship, commitment doesn’t get you excited. In fact, it may have the opposite effect and make you feel trapped.
- You don’t feel the need to express your needs or desires simply because you don’t think it’s important or won’t make a difference.
- It’s easy to feel overwhelmed, especially when your partner makes requests of you or expresses their needs.
- You are often emotionally distant and able to avoid developing feelings for someone in order to avoid pain or disappointment.
- When you seem to be getting too close to your partner, you look for ways to distance yourself. This is how you regain control of yourself.
- You avoid healthy, balanced communication because you view it as confrontation.
If after reviewing your checklist, you’re still unsure where you stand, it might be helpful to talk to a mental health therapist who can better understand your specific dating experiences.
How people with an avoidant attachment style can become more secure
For starters, self-awareness is key because many people with an avoidant attachment style don’t realize they are avoidant at first. Once you understand at least a little bit about attachment styles, it might be helpful to dig deeper into what avoidance means. Many experts recommend reading “Attachment” to better understand how avoidant attachment develops.
Once you have a thorough understanding of your attachment style, Johnson says it can be helpful to work with a trained professional “to process events from your childhood and identify emotional triggers.” She adds, “A therapist can help you communicate your emotions to your partner in healthy ways.”
Keeping a journal can also be helpful if you want to do some inner work on your own. You can start by spending about 10 minutes each morning writing down your feelings and thoughts, which Johnson says is “a great way to practice expressing your feelings so you’re not suppressing your emotions.”
Finally, Johnson recommends challenging your negative emotions. “When you do this, you can reframe your negative thoughts and change your mindset about how you view yourself, others, and relationships.” While this may be better developed in therapy, don’t think all love It’s all meant to be, embrace the newness and feelings you experience when you meet someone for the first time. Instead of suppressing your feelings, allow yourself to be vulnerable. Instead of running away from a partner who is interested in you, explore and see where their connection leads.
Taylor Andrews (she/her) is PS’s Balance Editor, specializing in topics related to sex, relationships, dating, sexual health, mental health, travel, and more. Taylor has seven years of editorial experience and a strong background in content creation and storytelling. Before joining PS in 2021, she worked at Cosmopolitan.
