When the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade, abortion became a major issue for people across the United States. When that happens, some couples realize they don’t share the same political views on whether abortion should be legal.
While it’s normal to disagree with your partner on things like pizza toppings and whether The Office is the best show ever, it’s not surprising when it comes to differences in fundamental core values and beliefs — like LGBTQ+ rights, abortion access, Religion, or anything you might hold highly dear – differences of opinion can make your relationship extremely difficult to navigate.
Fortunately, whether you’re pro- or anti-abortion, if your partner has very different views on the matter than you do, it doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is doomed. But it does mean you should have the conversation.
Whether you find that your partner is vehemently pro-life, vehemently pro-choice, or somewhere in between, we talked to two couples therapists about how to address the issue and discuss what might be damaging to a relationship.
While their advice is helpful and can be applied to your relationship wherever necessary, know that resolving these differences may require some additional support through individualized couples therapy or counseling. (You can find out more about how couples therapy can help here.)
As a starting point, though, here are their suggestions on how to overcome these differences and have respectful conversations. While your relationship isn’t necessarily doomed, in some cases, not agreeing on this issue can lead to a breakup.
Experts featured in this article
Saba Harouni Lurie is a marriage and family therapist at Take Root Therapy.
Julie Landry, Psy.D., is a registered clinical psychologist and the founder of Halcyon Therapy Group.
How to talk to your partner about abortion opportunities
While sharing core values with your partner is crucial to a successful relationship, resolving differences of opinion is not impossible. In fact, marriage therapist Saba Harouni Lurie says that while it can be challenging to know that your partner has a different perspective on abortion than you do, “if you approach it with openness, respect, and curiosity, Approach the situation with an attitude and you may find ways to cope with the situation.
That said, Lurie suggests that before you have a conversation, you should be honest with yourself about what your boundaries are and what beliefs you can or cannot accept in a relationship. Would you agree with your partner supporting a politician who is actively anti-abortion? Are you okay with your partner not attending protests with you? Do you agree with your partner signing up to be an Abortion Initiative Caregiver?
These are all things to think about and consider before talking. Psychologist Julie Landry says that once you’ve thought about it, or written down your boundaries to reinforce them (in effect, hold yourself accountable), you should start the conversation, “Work on Understand each other’s perspectives”.
In other words, don’t think that ignoring the problem is the answer. While some may think it’s best to avoid conversations around abortion because it’s considered a sensitive topic, Dr. Landry says having “thoughtful conversations and discussing your feelings” can build intimacy and add value to the relationship. Brings better understanding.
In order to do this, first make sure you and your partner are properly educated on the topic. Before the conversation, send them the fact-checked information, research, and articles you want to share with them, so that when you sit down to talk, you both have the same facts about abortion. It’s also important to discuss if you’re concerned that your partner’s opinion is based on false or inaccurate information.
Make sure you go into the conversation with no hope of changing their perspective. The ultimate goal is to listen and acknowledge each other’s perspectives, which is “more important than changing your partner’s perspective or winning a disagreement,” Dr. Landry says.
Since these conversations depend heavily on your views on abortion, we can’t tell you exactly what needs to be discussed. It really depends on what the source of your disagreement is. You may find it helpful to discuss the moral and political consequences of losing or gaining access to an abortion, how this decision will specifically affect your sex life with your partner (i.e. whether you are now considering birth control options), and how you will participate. Participate in anti-abortion or pro-life movements through , donations, social media participation, etc.
When communicating these issues, focus on “I” statements. Dr. Landry adds that this will help you avoid making assumptions about what your partner is thinking. Of course, make a conscious effort to take turns sharing your thoughts. Practice healthy communication skills and don’t interrupt your partner or silence them when you disagree.
But most importantly, be wary of your partner gaslighting, calling names, or outright ignoring your concerns, because “these are signs that the conversation is unproductive and there’s an inherent lack of respect,” Lurie says. (This goes without saying, but you should also avoid gaslighting, name-calling, and/or ignoring your partner’s concerns.)
Know that you and your partner will most likely not be able to resolve your issues or understand each other in one conversation. But if after many conversations and many back-and-forths you still have issues, the differences of opinion may be too great to overcome.
When does it become a deal-breaker?
This will vary depending on your specific relationship, but a lot depends on the boundaries you set before talking to your partner. For example, if you believe that your partner’s continued voting for elected officials supporting anti-abortion legislation and your partner’s continued support of these candidates may be a deal breaker, it may be time to consider breaking up.
Dr. Landry also adds that if you “believe that a fair balance of power is essential to a healthy relationship and view the loss of reproductive rights as a loss of equality,” and your partner doesn’t feel the same way, then maybe it’s time broke up. In another example, Lurie said, “it would be very challenging to maintain a relationship with someone who believes that there should be any restrictions on a partner’s right to self-determination.”
That said, it doesn’t have to be so clearly black and white. For couples who appreciate the nuances of their partner’s opinions, “they may be better equipped to try to maintain the relationship,” Lurie says.
Ultimately, Dr. Landry said, “if you can’t come to an agreement that’s consistent with your respective values,” that could be a sign it’s time to call it a day. “Remaining in the relationship may create resentment, and although the breakup is painful, a partnership with someone who shares the same values may be more successful.”
If you would like more personalized information about whether you should consider breaking up with your partner, consider speaking with a licensed professional who can help you with your individual needs.
What should I do if my partner doesn’t care about abortion as much as I do?
You should consider talking to your partner about what the overturn of Roe v. Wade means to you and why it is so important to you. “Communication is important to ensure you create a safe and supportive environment for each other,” Dr. Landry says.
Your partner may also not feel the direct impact of the ruling. “If your partner doesn’t seem interested or concerned about abortion, and it has to do with their privilege, you can try to have a conversation with them where they can actually hear your perspective. If they’re not willing to accept that it would be better if they Understand your perspective, or they have no interest in giving up the privilege of approaching you with respect and empathy, then it may be time to reevaluate the relationship.
Bottom line: It’s up to you to decide what type of relationship you want and what will make you happy. If you feel resentful and disgusted that your partner disagrees with you or isn’t as actively involved in the ruling as you are, it might be time to consider a new partner.
