Separated relationships: Experts explain LAT

Imagine a world where you never have to fight with your partner over doing the dishes or doing the laundry or whose turn it is to clean the bathroom. There’s no weaponized incompetence or disagreements about decor (although sage green is always the answer), and you never have to be woken by their alarm clock or find a way to fall asleep to their snores. In this world, your partner is not your roommate – they are just your partner. This is the reality for couples in “LAT” relationships.

LAT stands for “living together apart” and is a relationship dynamic in which a couple intentionally lives apart. “A separated relationship is a long-term relationship in which both partners are committed, but they choose to live apart from their partner instead of living together,” says relationship expert Nicole Moore.

Although people may not use the official terminology, LAT relationships have been around for many years. Even Sarah Paulson recently said she was separating from her partner, Holland Taylor. “We don’t live together, which means we don’t have a home together, but we are together more than we would be apart from each other,” she told Entertainment Tonight at the 2024 Emmy Awards. In a previous “SmartLess” podcast interview, Paulson even claimed that this was the “secret” of their relationship.

Sharon Hyman, 61, agrees. Hyman runs the Facebook community group “Apartners (Living Apart Together)” and is directing the documentary “The Apartners: Living Happily Ever Apart.” For her, being a LAT offers the best of both worlds. “I’m in a very strong, committed relationship and I have time to myself,” she told PS.

Of course, LAT relationships aren’t for everyone. But for those in these partnerships, the benefits are clear: most notably, the ability to maintain a strong connection while retaining personal space and independence.

Experts featured in this article

Nicole Moore is a relationship therapist and the founder of The Love Works, a program that helps people quickly find lasting love.

What is a LAT relationship?

A LAT relationship is an arrangement in which a couple “functions and functions as a unit, but they don’t sleep in the same bed in the same house every night,” Moore said. People in LAT relationships often have to find other ways to be intimate with their partners.

However, Hyman points out that this dynamic relationship does not have to be rigid. Like any other relationship, LAT relationships can be “fluid,” Hyman said. “It’s possible when you need more time together, and it’s possible when you need less time together.”

What are the benefits of establishing a LAT relationship?

The most obvious benefit is the independence that a LAT relationship provides each person. “Many couples who live together for a long time become so entangled that they begin to completely forget who they are as individuals,” Moore said. “But living apart can help couples not lose themselves or their unique personalities.”

That’s the thing about Hyman, she values ​​her time. “By becoming a LAT, it gave me the time I needed—the time everyone needs—to really get to know themselves, work on themselves, solve their problems, and take responsibility for their problems,” she added.

Mike Webber, 66, likes LAT because it allows him to follow his passions without interfering with his partner’s space. His partner enjoys movies and TV shows, while Weber prefers being a musician and collecting vinyl records. “We love having our own place that we can customize to our liking.” Additionally, the dynamic at LAT has put a new spin on his 22-year relationship. “The anticipation of meeting your partner always keeps things fresh,” Weber adds.

Another benefit: For blended families and parents of children from previous relationships, LAT relationships require fewer logistics. Kelsie Kilawna, 37, who has three children from a past relationship, lives five hours away from her current partner because “it doesn’t feel fair to uproot our lives” . She added, “Culturally and logistically, living at LAT made perfect sense for us.”

What are the disadvantages of LAT relationships?

For kilawna, the hardest part of being a LAT is coordinating schedules. “Both of us are business owners and have family obligations that require our attention, which makes it difficult for us to see each other regularly,” she said. As for Weber, he said there are no major drawbacks for him or his partner, although his partner’s mattress is “a little firm for me,” he said.

While some may argue that LAT relationships can become expensive due to double rent and fees, Hyman disagrees. “We all have very small apartments, like 500-square-foot apartments, with rent control,” she said. “If we moved together we would have to buy a bigger place and we would lose rent control on the place and it would actually cost more.”

However, perhaps the biggest problem you may face in a LAT relationship is judgment from family or friends. “Some people mistakenly believe that happy couples have to live together and share a bed or there will be relationship problems, so sometimes you may feel judged for choosing to live apart,” Moore said.

Is a LAT relationship right for you?

may be. If everything is fine with you and your partner, but you find yourself arguing over roommate issues, such as chores and home maintenance, you might benefit from a LAT relationship, Moore says. “Couples with very different sleep preferences, schedules, or lifestyle habits may also benefit most from a LAT relationship,” she adds. But LAT relationships aren’t for everyone either.

Ultimately, the LAT relationship is just an example of a dynamic that might work for you if you allow yourself to think beyond what society’s traditions tell you to do. “I want people to know there are options,” Hyman said. “Forget what your family tells you, what your culture tells you, and start looking at what really works for you and your partner.” That’s one thing if you live together. But if we don’t live together, that’s okay.

Just because you’re not living together doesn’t mean you’re not spending your life together, Hyman said. “Just because you don’t share physical space doesn’t mean you don’t share emotional and mental space.”

Taylor Andrews is PS’s Balance Editor, specializing in topics related to sex, relationships, dating, sexual health, mental health, and more.