Friendships can be full of ups and downs. After all, people change, so these relationships will naturally change too. But sometimes, it’s more than just a feeling of alienation from your former best friend. When a friend becomes a major source of stress and negative emotions in your life, you may have to decide whether the relationship is worth saving or if it’s time to break up.
“Breaking up with a friend can be just as heartbreaking as a romantic breakup, and sometimes even more heartbreaking,” says relationship expert Jessica Alderson. “Romantic breakups are always in the spotlight,” she said. They appear in movies and TV shows; they’re mentioned in the lyrics of breakup songs; our friends talk about them; we’ve become accustomed to them. Breaking up with a friend isn’t much of a topic.
But LMFT therapist Shontel Cargill says it’s okay and, in fact, healthy to let go of situations that no longer serve you or have become toxic, whether they’re romantic or platonic. If you think it’s time to break up with a friend, it probably is.
Even so, people don’t talk much about breakups with friends, so these breakups can be difficult to trigger and deal with. This guide has advice from relationship experts and contains helpful information about the signs of a breakup, how to break up successfully and respectfully, and what to expect after a breakup.
Experts featured in this article
Jessica Alderson is the co-founder and CEO of So Syncd, a style dating app.
Shontel Cargill, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and regional director of therapy platform Thriveworks.
Signs You Should Break Up With Your Friends
Every relationship is different, and you can break up with a friend based on your own needs and feelings. But if you’re on the fence about whether you should end a friendship, the following signs are common red flags that it’s time to go your separate ways.
- You no longer feel supported. Alderson said friendship is about supporting and uplifting each other. “You should be stronger as a couple than you are alone. If you don’t feel supported, it’s time to reevaluate whether the friendship is worth keeping.” Friendships go through phases, of course—count on your best friend to always be your first An advocate is unrealistic, including when they are going through hard times. But please be aware if there is an unsupported behavior pattern.
- There was a lot of drama and negativity. Friendships should be positive and uplifting – most of the time, if not all the time. If you feel like your friend is constantly bringing you down or creating unnecessary tension, it might be time to break up, Alderson says.
- You can’t trust them. “Trust is an important part of any relationship, whether it’s romantic or platonic,” Alderson says. If the trust between you and your friend has been irreparably broken and you feel it can’t be repaired, breaking up may be the right move, she says.
- Friendship is one-sided. Friendships should be balanced and hard work should be rewarded, Alderson said. If you feel like you’re the only one making plans and initiating messages, it’s time to take a step back and reevaluate whether the friendship is worth continuing.
- You are no longer on the same page. “Not all friendships end in conflict or dramatic arguments,” Alderson explains. “Sometimes, friendships just end because people go in different directions and no longer share the same interests.” If you find that you no longer have the same interest in each other, Get in touch, be able to break up and move on in good faith.
- They are unreliable. Alderson points out that if your friend keeps putting off plans or canceling them at the last minute, it means they don’t respect your time. For some people, this isn’t a big deal, but for others, it’s a big deal.
- You feel mentally exhausted after seeing them. “If you constantly feel frustrated or exhausted after spending time with friends, it’s a sign that the friendship is no longer healthy,” Alderson says. It’s normal to feel tired sometimes after socializing, but constantly feeling mentally exhausted after seeing friends is concerning.
Signs You Shouldn’t Break Up with a Friend
The signs of a breakup may be more obvious, but that doesn’t mean the friendship is over every time a hiccup arises. The following tips show that your relationship may be worth repairing.
- They make you happy. Alderson says you shouldn’t break up with a friend if you bring positivity and joy into each other’s lives. “If you feel like your friendship is a source of connection, comfort, growth, laughter, or happiness, then it’s worth keeping as long as the overall dynamic is healthy.”
- You are ready to solve your problems. if you Both Cargill says if you agree that healthy communication and conflict resolution can enhance your friendship, it’s worth trying to resolve the issue. Friendships sometimes hit a rough patch, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you need to throw in the towel. But the key word here is “both.” You can’t do other people’s work. Friendship is a two-way street, and repairing a relationship requires the participation of both parties.
- You are willing to compromise. “Communication and compromise are key to any relationship, and if you both deeply value your friendship and are willing to put in the work, you may be able to overcome obstacles and emerge stronger than ever,” Alderson says. Be honest about your feelings. needs and feelings and decide what is important to you. If the issue that’s causing problems between you is something you can actually come to a middle ground on, you may be able to avoid a breakup.
- You will naturally become estranged. If you’re naturally growing apart, don’t feel you have to cut ties completely, Alderson says. “Just because you’re no longer as close as you used to, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s time to end the friendship. You may find that you become close again in the future.” You can still remain acquaintances and keep in touch; if the universe Throwing you together again, the door is already ajar.
How to break up with a friend
This is one of the differences between a friendship breakup and a romantic breakup: For former friends, a full-blown breakup conversation may not always be necessary. In many situations, you can simply put some distance between you and the person involved.
But other times, you may need or want to have “the talk” – for example, if they’ve violated your trust in a way that requires an immediate or complete separation, or if they don’t see eye to eye and it’s time to end the friendship.
When you have a breakup conversation with a friend, your goal should be to be as kind and respectful as possible. “Even if a friend hurts you or does something wrong, remember that nothing good will come of handling the situation in a malicious way,” Alderson said.
It is best to have face-to-face meetings if possible. “If possible, and if physical safety is not at risk, I strongly recommend talking in person and avoid texting or FaceTime,” Cargill said. Texts can be misinterpreted, she said, although phone calls or video calls are the next best thing to in-person meetings. The best choice because you can’t see their body language, but they can still lead to misunderstandings.
During conversations, try to use statements that begin with “I feel” rather than blaming the other person. For example, Alderson suggests saying “I feel like our friendship no longer makes me happy,” rather than “You no longer make me happy.” This will help keep the conversation constructive and avoid making the other person feel attacked or defensive.
Also remember, Cargill adds, that ending a friendship can (and probably will) be sad, so it’s important to maintain emotional and physical self-awareness and recognize when a conversation turns from productive to toxic. If so, just end the conversation gently. It’s not your job to manage other people’s feelings.
Of course, if you feel unsafe at any time, you don’t need to explain yourself or officially break up with your friend. Your well-being must come first.
How to break up with a friend you live with
Breaking up with a roommate can be tricky, but it’s not impossible. The same tips above apply, Alderson says, and the key is to be respectful and honest when talking about things. “Reassure your friends that this doesn’t mean you don’t care about them, and explore how you can continue to be civil while living in the same space.”
Cargill says this will involve making sure clear boundaries are set, especially if one of you can’t move out right away. “Working together to create a plan for coexisting in a living environment is important to avoid conflict and/or creating a toxic living environment for both parties,” she says. This requires maturity on both sides, but it’s doable, especially if you’re able to give each other as much emotional and physical space as possible.
As mentioned above, in this case, it might feel more comfortable to create some distance between you and your friend without having a formal “breakup” conversation until move-out day is at least in sight. But if you go that route, your friends may notice and ask what’s going on—in which case, clarity, honesty, and kindness are usually the right moves.
How to get over a friend’s breakup
Whether you’re the one who initiated the breakup or the one who was broken up with, healing can be difficult. Here’s how to get started.
- Take time to reflect. You can always learn something from any relationship, so take a step back and think about what you would do differently. Alderson said it’s not about pointing fingers, but about personal growth.
- Allow yourself to heal in your own way and on your own schedule. Just like any other loss, it’s important to give yourself time to grieve. That doesn’t mean you should wallow in grief or completely shut out the world, but allow yourself to feel the pain and heartache of a breakup, Alderson says.
- Pursue your passion. Spend time doing things you enjoy and shift your focus to positive and productive activities. Cargill noted that this is also a good time to explore self-care. Try meditating, using affirmations, taking time to process the end of a friendship, tapping into your support system, or even seeking therapy, she says.
- Don’t ask “what if”. You may find yourself spending a lot of time thinking about what went wrong and how to do things differently, but nothing good will come of dwelling on what could have been. “If you find yourself constantly asking ‘what if,’ try reframing your thoughts to focus on things you’re grateful for in your life right now, as well as exciting opportunities in the future,” advises Alderson.
- Make your boundaries clear. Alderson says it’s important to set clear boundaries after a breakup, which may include not speaking for a few months or unfollowing someone on social media. If possible, you and your ex-friend can agree on boundaries; if not, you can still set and enforce your own.
- Let go of the guilt. People often think of the failure of a friendship as a personal failure, but this is not the case. “Some friendships last a lifetime, while others come and go and people and circumstances change, so it’s not a reflection of your worth as a person, it’s just life,” Alderson said.
