After a while, my friend told us all to calm down: she didn’t think she would see him again because he hadn’t gotten back to her this morning. Although the night before the date, he said he had a great time and asked if they could do something together soon. Although he messaged her when he got home to ask if she was back safe and sent her a picture of cheese toast he was eating in bed. I was frustrated by her concern because, by that logic, I should cancel contact with someone who didn’t get back to me within three days. I reassured her, but I really wanted to turn the conversation to myself, to what I was going through. I’ve been single for almost five years, and when I get close to someone, I run away, or they run away, and then I’m alone again. I wish all the girls were chirping at me to reassure me that it has nothing to do with me – but I don’t because I know it’s annoying. I show every side of myself to my friends except that side because it’s too ugly even for them.
I know why this is the case. To survive being single, you need allies. Whenever I panic about it, I think of all the single women I know and it makes me feel better because they are some of the most beautiful, fun, interesting people I have ever met. I was afraid of what would happen if they formed a relationship; I didn’t want to be left behind. We said to each other: “Don’t you dare have a boyfriend!” It was a joke, but we also meant it. There are other things. Women are taught to compete with each other and told there aren’t enough options around them. And actually there isn’t. There’s a decent guy at every party, and he’s probably not over his ex.
It’s never a good thing to compare yourself to those around you – we’re all on our own path. I went to a yoga teacher’s class and he always got annoyed when people glanced at each other during class. He said he always sees people doing the right thing, but then they notice the person next to them doing something different and lose their balance while trying to imitate them. You can apply the same logic to romance. You become insecure in worrying about what other people are doing, going out because there might be sexy people there rather than because you actually want to go out, and then you give off this weird stress energy when you don’t talk Never go home disappointed to anyone. People always say you meet someone “when you least expect it.” It’s such an annoying saying. Well, this is the version to look forward to.
