High school was a long time ago, but I’ll never forget the time I got cheated on by someone I considered a friend. One morning she came to my locker to complain about a mutual friend. As a more immature person than I am now, I couldn’t resist the opportunity to gossip. So I was surprised when the friend we were chatting with later confronted me.
My gossip partner made me look like a terrible friend and she was just an innocent bystander. That’s when I realized I was dealing with a traitor, just like the contestants on “Renegade.” The show follows a group of contestants who are quarantined in a castle. The three are designated “traitors,” whose identities are known to the audience and each other. The remaining contestants are called “loyalists” and their goal is to expose and oust the traitors while avoiding elimination and competing for cash prizes.
Given the show’s growing popularity, you might be wondering if you can spot the traitors and the loyalists in your own life. In my case, I gossiped behind my friends’ backs and was betrayed by my gossiping partner who revealed what I had told her in private. Listen to me: It’s hard to know where we stand with our friends and why we gossip, despite how harmful it can be.
Below, relationship experts explain when gossip turns from harmless small talk to malicious behavior and how to restore trust when it’s broken.
Experts featured in this article
Charlynn Ruan, Ph.D., is a registered clinical psychologist and founder of Thrive Psychology Group.
Brianna Paruolo, LCMHC, is the clinical director and founder of On Par Therapy.
How normal is it to gossip about your friends?
Gossip is when you exchange personal information about someone who is not present. Maybe you complain to your mom about the fights you get with your friends, or you feel sympathy for your friends because they’re getting back with their cheating exes. Psychologist Charlynn Ruan, Ph.D., says that if your worry is accompanied by some action, then the latter isn’t gossip. For example, you might ask for advice from others and seek support from your friends.
Whether among friends or family, “gossip is extremely common and occurs at all stages of life,” Dr. Nguyen said. “When you reach a certain level of maturity and integrity, you become a treasure trove of information for your friends.”
In an ideal world, instead of gossiping, we would resolve issues by talking directly to each other. “Unfortunately, it’s easier to spit out negative emotions than it is to soak in the moment or say, ‘I love being with you,'” says LCMHC mental health counselor Brianna Paruolo.
In fact, a 2021 study in Humanity found that people with weaker connections to their friend groups were more likely to spread negative gossip or be the target of gossip. They also found that staying close to friends was associated with spreading positive gossip, which can also be a problem. For example, if you leak news about a friend’s pregnancy or engagement before they announce it, you’re taking away their ability to share the information at their own discretion.
Why is gossip so harmful?
Typically, gossip involves three aspects: the gossiper, the listener, and the target. Dr. Nguyen says if friends find out they’re being gossiped about, their trust will be damaged because they won’t be willing to share with you anymore. Both the listener and the gossiper may lose trust in the other because they know they are participating in the gossip. “So everyone in this dynamic has lost faith in each other,” she added.
Talking about negative experiences, such as a bad teacher or manager, can help you feel less alone. But this feeling can be short-lived because “the bonds you build with a common enemy tend to break down very quickly,” Dr. Nguyen said. Parolo added that gossip can be especially harmful when it spreads lies or damages someone’s reputation.
Even if the target is unaware of the gossip, it can still be harmful. For example, when you gossip about celebrities, “you lose sight of their humanity, and in turn, you lose yours,” Dr. Nguyen said. Because you may have nothing to do with their success, you may convince yourself that celebrities are immune to gossip.
Why people like to gossip. . . And tell you about it?
Sometimes people gossip to avoid direct communication or to divert attention from themselves. Other times, they gossip for entertainment or to avoid being shunned by the group. “Especially on a show like Renegade, gossip can be very intoxicating,” Parolo said. Dr. Nguyen agrees, saying gossip is like a “sugar rush” when you know something others don’t. “We are very social animals and like to get to know each other, otherwise we wouldn’t watch reality shows,” she added.
“We are very social animals and like to get to know each other.”
Just like the example I shared in high school, you may be caught gossiping like I was, or find out someone has been gossiping about you. When a friend tells you that you have been the target of gossip, their intention may be to warn you, preempt information before it is released, or create a divide among friends. In a reality show, someone has to be the villain, so they may use gossip to further the plot.
“Often, what someone shares with you reflects how they feel inside,” Parullo said. “There’s nothing to be gained by sharing that so-and-so is talking about you and that I’m involved, but I won’t let you know.” In this case, you might be wondering why they are listening to the gossip and whether they see you the same way of. A well-meaning friend will advocate for you and stop gossip.
How to deal with gossip
if you are a gossip
Whenever possible, you should apologize and take responsibility before you get caught. Dr. Nguyen says to be honest with yourself and your friends about why you choose to gossip. For example, you could say:
- What I said was wrong. Thank you for holding me accountable.
- I admit that I didn’t think of you enough when I said this.
- I do this because it makes me feel closer to the person.
- I’m not good at keeping secrets, but I’m working on it.
- I understand if you don’t trust me for a while.
- I promise I will earn your trust.
Your friends may distance themselves from you, and that’s okay. Allow them to be angry, but don’t diminish their feelings.
if you are a listener
Gossip may feel uncomfortable, but it can increase your friend’s trust in you. To curb gossip, you can say the following:
- I don’t think they would be okay with you sharing this.
- I don’t feel comfortable discussing this without them here.
- Knowing something that my friends didn’t know put me in an awkward position.
- I have a rule, don’t talk gossip, don’t listen to gossip.
- Maybe it’s best to talk to them about it.
Your friend may feel upset or embarrassed about being called out, but Dr. Nguyen says, “They’re likely to respect you more and see you as someone who supports their friend.”
as target
Letting your friends know that you know they’re talking about you, but that it doesn’t feel good, “is not a declaration of war,” Parullo says. You don’t have to cut off communication with them, but you do need to set boundaries.
Let’s say you decide to confront your friend. Seeing their reaction and whether they acknowledge it can help you decide whether to remain friends. “If the gossip becomes this malicious and harmful to your mental health or safety, I strongly recommend not engaging in the friendship,” Parolo added.
bottom line
Accepting that gossip happens doesn’t mean you approve of it or allow it to shape your friendship dynamics, Parullo says. If you’re not sure whether something is a secret, ask the person if you can tell someone else. Dr. Nguyen says if you’re unwilling to keep a secret, let them know ahead of time.
If the conversation turns to gossip, you can say, “I had a similar experience with this person and it helped me.” This way, you can encourage them to take action. Another way to avoid gossip is to redirect your energy into fun activities, such as taking a pottery class with a friend, starting a book club, or going for a walk together.
“Ultimately, in friendship, you don’t want to feel like you have to tread lightly,” Parolo said. A relationship based on trust and vulnerability provides a stronger foundation than a connection built on mutual dislike of something or someone. If you need to vent, she suggests taking a page from reality TV and imagining what you would say in a confessional instead of spreading gossip.
Dr. Nandini Maharaj is a trained therapist with a Master’s degree in Counseling and a Doctorate in Public Health. Her articles on health, wellness, relationships, and dogs have been featured in PS, Self, Well+Good, Business Insider, Apartment Therapy, American Kennel Club, and more.
