For those of you in a relationship, you know all too well how easy it is to argue with your partner over little things, like how they fold laundry or load the dishwasher. But small disagreements surrounding these types of chores are common and can be healthy if communicated effectively. What’s not healthy? Normalizing weaponization of incompetence.
LMHC relationship therapist Nirmala Bijraj explains that weaponized incompetence is Strategy inability. This occurs when a person “manipulates the situation to suit his or her own needs by pretending not to know how to complete a task or to give up on a task in order not to perform the task again.”
Of course, being the recipient of weaponized incompetence can lead to mental exhaustion for many partners. In fact, this is a big reason why more and more singles are seeking LAT relationships, in which partners live apart, as opposed to more traditional relationships.
While weaponized incompetence doesn’t just happen in romantic relationships—it’s also quite common in the workplace or family settings—we talked to experts about what weaponized incompetence looks like in a relationship, and how it can affect someone’s psyche Great damage to health.
Experts featured in this article
Nirmala Bijraj is a licensed mental health counselor and the founder and clinical director of Aligned Self.
What is weaponized incompetence?
Weaponized incompetence is what happens when someone doesn’t want to do something (whether because they find it boring, pointless, or unpleasant), and pretends they don’t know how to do it, hoping to shift the blame onto them Condition.
Often this can be demonstrated through household chores. For example, if your partner intentionally does a bad job of vacuuming or washing dishes, your partner may weaponize their incompetence so that you have to take over the task in order to do it more cleanly or more efficiently. task.
Weaponized incompetence may also occur when planning a trip or other future projects. “One partner may feel responsible for planning the vacation because the other is disorganized and unable to make good plans,” says Bijraj.
While it may not seem like a big deal to some, placing the burden on your partner to complete tasks you don’t want to do can take a toll on your partner’s mental health. It can “breed resentment in relationships, manifesting as anger and frustration, as well as passive-aggressive behavior,” Biraj said. It can also leave people feeling extremely overwhelmed, stressed, and unsupported by their partner.
The difference between weaponized incompetence and your partner not knowing how to do something
For most people, basic household chores like washing dishes and vacuuming should be easy and efficient to complete. But if someone has never done laundry or cooked a meal that didn’t come from the freezer section of Trader Joe’s, they probably don’t really know how to accomplish these tasks. But that doesn’t give them a pass.
One of the easiest ways to tell the difference between weaponized incompetence and your partner not knowing how to do something is to see if it’s a one-time issue or if it becomes a pattern, Bijraj says. If this is a one-time thing, chances are they have no idea or were raised to think a certain chore was done differently than the way you were raised. If so, these issues can be resolved through proper communication.
But if you notice that it becomes a pattern and your partner keeps saying “I don’t know how to do this” or “You do it better” and all of these tasks are left to you to do Biraj Said: “This may be weaponized incompetence because they don’t want to complete the task.”
However, she added that sometimes, a person will put themselves down by saying things like “I can’t cook” or “I’m not good at grocery shopping” because they truly believe it. When this happens, “the person needs to spend some time working on themselves and learn how to complete these tasks for themselves,” Bijraj said. Bottom line: Weaponized incompetence is often intentional, especially if it’s a repeated behavior.
How to Stop Weaponization of Incompetence in Your Relationship
If you notice that your partner is doing a chore or task half-way, you should talk about it immediately. “Addressing this issue very clearly and directly is the best course of action,” Biraj said. While you may feel like you shouldn’t do this because it makes you feel like you’re your partner’s mom – which is absolutely true, especially for cisgender women – you can say something like, “I” I feel some Housework is not being done in the most efficient way, how can we distribute it more equitably?
It’s also possible that by discussing which chores you each dislike less, you can agree on who will handle which chores. For example, if your partner really hates cooking and you don’t mind, maybe that’s what you accept. If you really hate taking out the trash and your partner doesn’t mind, then they can take on the responsibility.
During these conversations, be wary of your partner gaslighting you or negating your feelings, which you should definitely consider a red flag and, if so, a potential deal-breaker. Because if your partner “continues to pressure you, doesn’t take responsibility for his actions, and continues to engage in the same behavioral patterns,” it may be time to find a new partner, Biraj says.
That said, couples therapy is always an option. “Understanding your feelings and learning how to express your feelings by working with a licensed professional therapist is a great way to begin the communication process needed to solve the problem,” says Bijraj. Note that if you’ve resolved the issue but your partner isn’t seeing any improvements, you can find a new partner who can actually help.
Taylor Andrews (she/her) is PS’s Balance Editor, specializing in topics related to sex, relationships, dating, sexual health, mental health, travel, and more. Taylor has seven years of editorial experience and a strong background in content creation and storytelling. Before joining PS in 2021, she worked at Cosmopolitan.
