I’ve never been one to play the “cold girl” in a relationship. For me, there is no such thing as “casual” because nothing is casual the way I love. I’m a sensitive, highly emotional person, and when I start dating someone new, I tend to go all out. But when I first saw TikTok’s “casual” trend, even I was surprised.
The viral trend features Chappelle Rowan setting the couple photo to “casual” with the caption: “Here are all the casual things my boyfriend and I did before we started dating.” Continued The slide that came down said something like this: “Absolutely not. We moved in together two weeks later and adopted a dog together a month later.” While things are clearly going well for the couples who share these stories, I think it’s more common Unfortunately, jumping headfirst into a completely new relationship ends in disaster.
Don’t get me wrong, I love doing little things. After an amazing first date, I felt so guilty about having a magical wedding in the forest (La Bella and Edward from Twilight). But, at some point, you have to draw the line between moving quickly and skipping some necessary relationship stages entirely. It’s also important to spot the signs of love bombing, which happens in half of the stories shared on TikTok.
“Love bombing is the display of overwhelming affection and attention early in a relationship in order to create emotional dependence and control,” therapist Kamela Quirjo told PS.
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Kamela Quirjo, MA, LPCC, is a licensed clinical therapist and owner of Iliria Therapy.
My most recent relationship is a unique example of how beneficial it is to take the time to get to know someone, rather than moving in three weeks later or saying “I love you” 48 hours after a first date. . We met after New Year’s and then he had to spend two weeks working abroad. Did I feel bad because I was excited about him? Yes. But does it make me appreciate that we end up spending more time together and focusing on our own lives instead of longing for him? Yes. As they say, absence does make the heart grow fonder.
The slow burn approach was necessary because this particular ex had to spend four days a week out of town for work, so we only saw each other once or twice a week throughout our dating period. During the eight months or so we dated, we had no choice but to take our time and enjoy our emotional independence. In other words, things have to start from scratch casual.
I struggled with severe anxious attachment issues throughout my young adulthood, and although this person and I eventually broke up, I’m proud of my growth in independence and how securely attached I became. Of course, the physical distance and limited communication opportunities between my partner and I have been tough, but they have given me so much space and energy to grow my career, spend time with family and friends, and do things that keep me in the Things that make us happy outside of our connection. I realized that happiness should always come from myself, not a partner or relationship.
This earned mentality is why I’m baffled that, with the trend of “casual” TikTok, people are romanticizing the idea of long-term relationships with strangers. While it may seem especially romantic or destined to get engaged after three months of dating, the reality is that you don’t really get to know someone in such a short period of time. In my opinion, you real Unless you live with your partner, you don’t know who your partner is – but that’s a whole different conversation.
It’s impossible to fully understand someone’s childhood, their mental health, their relationships with family and friends, their dating history, their troubles, and more in the space of a few weeks. A person overcome with emotion may feel like they have known their new partner their entire life, but this is not the case.
In fact, skipping the casual stage of dating and committing to someone you barely know could end in a devastating, even dangerous, way. How do you know that the person you dated three times wasn’t an emotionally abusive narcissist? What if your partner you moved in with two months after you met was hiding an active drug addiction? Many of the difficulties can be alleviated if you take the time to carefully get to know someone before entering into a codependent partnership.
How you choose to date and navigate your relationships is a personal choice. Still, I believe that taking your time and enjoying the slow process of meeting new and exciting people is the best approach. A careful pace can inspire more dates, flirtations, butterflies, and light-hearted good times, and it can set your partnership up for long-term success.
It takes time to truly understand the core of a person. Building trust through intimacy and vulnerability takes time. A slow burn is just what it should be – slow. “Only through shared experience and thoughtful reflection can you determine whether your partner’s values align with your own,” says Quijo.
Think of it this way: You wouldn’t cook unseasoned chicken without marinating it first, right? If you like wine, you don’t want to drink wine that hasn’t been aged for a day. Instead, you want to wait, let the process happen, and then enjoy the reward at the end.
Next time you’re on a first date and you’re already hearing wedding bells, imagine your future relationship like taking your first sip of a glass of juicy, aged wine. I promise it will be worth the wait.
Lexi Inks is a lifestyle journalist based in Brooklyn, New York. In addition to her contributions at PS, she is a staff writer for Bustle’s Sex & Relationships vertical and a lifestyle news writer for The List.
