The holidays are approaching, and with them comes a time to focus on joy and connection. For many, this is one of the only opportunities of the year to take a break from work, spend time with extended family, and connect over food and traditions. But for those who are experiencing grief, this isn’t always the case.
“This is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year, [but it] Holly, 29, who lives in Florida, told PS. People are together, but it’s also the same time every year when my dad passes away, so I’m gradually recovering every year.
While some people think grieving gets easier over time, Holly says grieving actually just changes. “As grief becomes more fulfilling, dealing with it becomes more distant. As I get older, I think about the new traditions I will create with my dad,” she said. “We never had the chance to cheer together, or smoke cigars in Atlantic City, or gamble, and all the other things Canadians love to do with their adult children over the holidays. I had a complicated relationship with my dad, and his death was sudden, so this time of year All times bring more questions and more questions than reminiscing about our time together.
Like Holly, 28-year-old Caitlin also lost a loved one during the holidays. Caitlin’s grandfather, a no-nonsense man from the coalfields of West Virginia, died of an illness on Christmas Day 2015, leaving Caitlin and her family by his side. “The first few holidays after my grandfather died were the hardest,” Caitlin said.
Christmas has always been a big event for Caitlin’s family, and over the next few years the family continued to have traditional Christmas Eve gatherings, “but his absence was an unspoken but noticeable presence throughout the gathering. existence,” she said. “It’s hard to come to terms with death you know, you know it’s anything but peaceful, and in the context of a big family gathering, which is often our only reunion every year, it never seems to be the time to talk about how we live our lives. Everything. In relieving our sorrow.
Grief can take many different forms. For Holly and Caitlin, their grief centered on the loss of their loved one. But grief can also look like mourning alienation from blood relatives or religious groups, or complex family dynamics. It might look like dealing with illness, loneliness, heartbreak, or sadness over the holidays you wish you had. But no matter what form your loss takes, there are ways to support your grieving process.
PS Talk to mental health and loss experts about how to best deal with grief during the holidays.
Experts featured in this article
Maura McInerney-Rowley is a hospice doula and director of operations at The Lily House, a nonprofit hospice in Wellfleet, Massachusetts.
Christa Lei is a relational care and death worker and writer.
Arrange your vacation according to your wishes
It’s normal for grief to affect your energy levels and emotional capacity, and you can participate in holiday traditions, events, parties, and dinners in different ways.
“Recognize that it’s okay to decline invitations or change participation in certain activities based on your own emotional needs,” says death companion Maura McInerney-Rowley. For example, if you tend to take on hosting or cooking responsibilities during the holidays, you might choose to take a step back or opt for a quieter, smaller gathering.
In some situations, you may feel pressure to “play a role” or meet other people’s expectations. But don’t be afraid to be honest, even if it might disappoint others. “By setting boundaries and acknowledging your limitations, you can create space for healing and ensure a compassionate understanding of your unique grieving process when the holidays arrive,” McInerney-Rowley says. McInerney Knowing your limits also means investing in taking care of yourself, perhaps taking walks, reflection and self-care on your own, Ni-Rolli added.
“Creating holiday conditions for myself, whether that’s limiting COVID-19 exposure by not participating, or taking a more limited role in hospitality and preparation, is really important to me so I can hold back when I need to shed a tear. some space.
Pay attention to communication
One of the hardest parts of grief is talking about it—either as the person experiencing it or as a loved one who wants to help. “It’s OK to express challenges you may face and set realistic expectations for yourself,” McInerney-Rowley says. Consider setting expectations and letting others know that you may need space or extra rest, or that your grief is not a reflection of the relationship you share.
You may also decide to modify the holiday to honor your loved one or acknowledge a shared loss. “Consider discussing with your loved ones how you can include your deceased family member in holiday celebrations in a way that makes everyone feel comfortable. This may include sharing stories, creating a memory jar, and allowing everyone to contribute their best Enjoy the memories, or take some time to reflect during the holiday meal,” McInerney-Rowley said. Talking about loss can create a sense of collective support and recognition during the holidays.
Caitlin says even the slightest mention of her grandfather has a huge impact: “I try to follow [my grandmother’s] This is an example of using small moments to acknowledge grief rather than letting it completely go without saying and leaving it to the rest of us to think for ourselves.
Create a physical space to grieve
Grief can come on suddenly and feel overwhelming, which is why creating a physical space or “container” to express your grief can be so helpful. Professional funeral director Christa Lei says an altar or memorial space can provide an intentional time to remember someone, reflect and experience your emotions.
Your space can be any way you want it to be; it may be religious or non-religious, large or small, inside or outside your home. You may choose to add photos of your loved ones or possessions or personal mementos. “I also have flowers so I can look after the altar and remind myself that it’s there,” Rezaia said. “I like to put plants around it or change the altar. It doesn’t have to be static. It can be a living, dynamic work in progress.”
Ray adds that people often find comfort in the act of caring for an altar space because it creates a space to “let go of feelings” and have a conversation with your emotions.
Be open to new traditions
Tradition often represents the bittersweetness of loss. They provide the ability to connect with loved ones, but they also come with a heavy emotional weight. In her own grief journey, McInerney-Rowley said her personal traditions may evolve over time into meaningful ways to honor and spiritually connect with her mother. She added: “Whether it’s creating unique decorations, lighting candles for them, or sharing stories about cooking their favorite dishes, these actions preserve their memories and infuse the season with an ongoing sense of connection. Traditions can be redefined and reincorporated to find comfort and connection.
A similar thing happened to Holly, who inherited her father’s holiday decorations. The ornaments sat in boxes gathering dust for years. “I was too afraid to pull them out, too afraid of what emotions little things like ornaments would stir up. A big part of moving forward is taking that step,” Holly said. “I encourage anyone struggling with similar issues to take the first step. But now that I have them out and honor him every year, it makes me feel like he is still a part of my holiday tradition and experience.”
Of course, you don’t have to force yourself into new traditions right away, especially if the damage is still minor. But by remaining open, you will experience how love and tradition stretch to accommodate grief.
seek support
Grief is unique but also universal. If you are struggling to cope with grief or simply looking for solidarity in your community, you may want to consider additional support.
“Seeking professional assistance, such as counseling or therapy, can provide a structured space to cope with complex emotions,” McInerney-Rowley says. “Online and in-person support groups provide a sense of community and connect you with others who understand the unpredictability of grief.”
Groups like Grieve Leave and Modern Loss provide resources and community for many different types of loss. For those in their 20s, 30s and 40s, Ray recommends Dinner Party, which offers a mix of virtual meetings and more formal one-on-one pairings. Finally, Ray also suggests connecting books with personal stories, such as Joan Didion’s “The Year of Magical Thinking” and Michelle Zona’s “Crying at the H Mart.”
“My advice to anyone experiencing grief during the holidays is that you are not alone and when you are sad, the worst thing you can do is try not to be sad,” McInerney-Rowley said. “I Says embrace your sadness, dive into it and see what it brings.”